So Far To Go
by MonaCK
Summary: Carlos reflects on the events of Doc's breakdown in No More, Forever. Spoilers through that episode.


Title: So Far To Go  
  
Part: 1/1  
  
Rating: PG - If you can watch the show, you can read this.  
  
Summary: Carlos reflects  
  
Spoilers: Through No More, Forever  
  
Author's Note: This is a post-script to No More, Forever. It's just a short little vignette. So much has been written about Bosco and Faith, and I felt like Carlos was just begging to have his voice heard. This is my first time trying to write from his perspective. I hope I've done him justice. :)  
  
~**~  
  
I never saw it coming.  
  
I mean... I guess I did see it coming, but I didn't want to believe it. He's always been the strong one.. the one who kept me focused. How did I know that all of this... all of this was going to lead him to pulling a gun on all of us?  
  
Things are finally starting to go well for me, you know? I mean -- I found my brother.. which was weird. My daughter is gonna be alright. And I learned that I had a family all along -- a family called the 55th. And man - was it only yesterday that I said goodbye to my brother after he showed me just how much family I really had?  
  
Then this. Doc. Shooting someone in cold blood. The man who told us that saving people was a gift. I mean, I saw his point, you know? I wasn't happy about having to sit outside the house... but shooting the guy who gave the order? That just wasn't right. That just wasn't... Doc.  
  
I should have saw it coming. But I didn't. Does that make me a bad friend? I mean, I probably knew him better than everyone. I mean, we were partners. We rode together, for the most part, for five years, with occasional interruptions.   
  
I wonder if he knows just how much I look up to him. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. But I wouldn't be half the paramedic that I was today if it weren't for what he taught me, even if I was too stubborn to admit it for a long time.  
  
It's getting cold out here, here by the water. I'd walked out here, after it was all over. It's a little spot not too far from the house. I sometimes come here to clear my head. I think we've all come here from time to time. It's sort of like, this little oasis in the middle of city gravel. And maybe it's because I thought I'd be completely alone here that I don't hear the footsteps coming up behind me.  
  
It's not until she's standing next to me that I even realize that she's there.   
  
There's silence as night continues to fall. There's soft moonlight over the water, a deceptive calm to the fear that was building up inside of me. I finally turn towards the person who joined me. Kim's eyes are still facing forward, her eyes filling with tears.  
  
"The thing is," I begin, as if there hadn't been silence before. "The thing is, that it could so easily have been one of us... "  
  
"Doc would never hurt us." Kim turns towards me, her eyes bright from unshed tears. "He never..."  
  
"That's not what I mean." I shake my head. "I mean... it could have been any of us... what keeps us here, what keeps us from falling over that edge into the darkness? Doc... Doc -was- one of the most stable people I knew..."  
  
I shake my head, my arms crossing over my chest. The wind picks up, but I barely feel it. Kim is silent, as if she's chewing my words, trying to make sense out of them. She turns and walks away, unable to control her tears anymore. Of all of us, she's always been the most fragile. I shake my head, realizing that I can't just let her go like this.  
  
"Kim.. Kim wait..."  
  
I turn, and she's standing there, her back facing me. Her arms are wrapped around herself, and I can tell by the way her shoulders are shaking that she's crying. She's been through so much this year, and I feel bad.. bad because I never know the right thing to say to make things right. It's just not what I grew up with. Going from foster home to foster home, I never learned how to be someone who knows how to react to stuff like this.  
  
I take a step closer to her.  
  
I'm trying to learn, though.   
  
I reach out, and my hand brushes against her shoulder. "Kim," I begin again. I lick my lips. "Kim... let me walk you home..."  
  
She doesn't say anything, but she nods. Her eyes are downcast, as if she's trying to hide the fact that she's been crying from me. I carefully put an arm around her shoulder.  
  
I'm not good at this. But I'm trying.   
  
Doc's gone. I need to be the strong one now. Whatever my doubts are, I have to work through them. Maybe we both need to learn from this. Learn that life can change so quickly.  
  
You'd think after all that the five-five has been through, we would have learned that lesson by now.   
  
I look over towards Kim as we continue to walk towards her apartment.  
  
As far as we've come, we still have so damned far to go. 


End file.
